Dear, There Will be Days Like This.
Yesterday, more specifically January 3 — the start of 2020 — was a pretty bad day. When I say ‘pretty bad’, I actually mean the worst, most terrible day I think I’ll have this year.
I was anxiously waiting a reply from my Nursing School. Let me provide some background information for you first..
Working full-time 12 & 16 hour shifts is a setup for failure when you’re in Nursing School. And that’s exactly what happened. I was working full-time and attempted my med-surg class twice, both failing by just 2 points. So they dismissed me, I appealed — explaining I was working a full-time job and I am on Medical leave in order to focus solely on school — and was told I’m not eligible to continue going thru, since I’ve failed a class twice. Classes were to start on Monday.
I read and re-read the email sent to me I’m not sure how many times. My heart jumped up into my chest and my stomach tied itself into all sorts of knots, like somebody went and punched the wind out of me. “You are not eligible to continue here…”
Nursing has always been my passion. It always will continue to be. I don’t know anything other than Nursing, and I don’t want to do anything other than Nursing. When I was attending a community college earlier in my years, one of the counselors told me, “you know, maybe you should start considering thinking about going into another field. Maybe this field just isn’t for you. Give up, start over and explore other options”.
Umm, what? Basically, she just told me to give up on my dream and go look for something else. Needless to say, I didn’t continue on for too long there.
I took a deep breath, let myself silently cry for awhile, then thought about what I should do next. The email sent to me also stated that I would be eligible to reapply next year in 2021. I don’t want to wait around for a year. I’m here. Off of work for a few months and now I’m kicked out of my Nursing program. I remember the day I got in, I heard about it on my birthday. I was so esctatic. It was hard, but I have to say, I liked the studying. I liked my first and only clinical experience. It was everything I’ve wanted to do for so long. It now feels like my grasp on life is suddenly broken. All of the thoughts of, “i’m not good enough, i’m not smart enough…” kept trying to bombard me, but I fiercely pushed them away. I wasn’t going to let my mind wander down this path. I already felt disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I couldn’t fulfill the expectations I had set for myself.
Remembering that I’m stronger than I once was, I realized how I’m not going to let this get to me and bring my world crashing down. I’m still the same person who has the plan, who had the goals. I haven’t changed in any way from this. no matter how many times I’ll feel as though I’m not good enough, the universe is going to continue to challenge my beliefs.
If anyone is going through a time in their lives where it feels like you will be on the ground forever, remember this: sometimes, our tracks in life completely derail. Our plans don’t always work out as we expected them to, dreams don’t come true as we’d once hoped. BUT — we don’t have to do this to ourselves. Our value doesn’t change, just because of who we may surround ourselves with, or the way we may dress.
Our value stays with us throughout all circumstances of our lives.
❤
